so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
