when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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