i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Randomize
