nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
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