Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it