those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
