Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Randomize
