Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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