I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
