yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Randomize
