There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize