FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Randomize
