Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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