Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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