we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
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