"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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