Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
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