Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
