shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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