Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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