You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
