ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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