I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
