I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
