the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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