my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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