Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
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He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
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Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Should I go bust a nut on the beach