Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Your cock deserves a montage
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
