Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
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I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
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The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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