i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
