What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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