She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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