Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
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