Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
