No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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