i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
