I have demons in me.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
