i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
false alarm, still single
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
