I'm going to jail i love you
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
