Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
