The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
