i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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