I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
I cut my penus on the lid.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
