I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
