you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
