final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Randomize
