Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I want her autograph on my taint
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
