On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
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we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
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You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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