Soap is not a condiment
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
