So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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