I just saw a hot homeless man
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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