Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
