Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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