Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
