The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
You had me at "let me see your balls"
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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