the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize
